Chapter 85.3: Monkeying Around

As noted in this recent bit of reportage in the New York Times, when Jane Goodall discovered chimpanzees making and using tools in order get food, humans were left having to rejustify their superiority: "Now we must redefine tool, redefine Man, or accept chimpanzees as human."

Well, obviously they're not human, but like many people I have known, they seem to have some pretty kinky ideas if left to their own devices. In this case, the device is a leaf — and it's not for hiding behind. Not at all.

Apparently, this leaf is sex toy nonpareil in the animal world. Horny male chimps use the leaf to make noise in order to draw a female chimp's attention to their erection. This apparently is chimpanzee for "subtlety." There's probably a YouChimp video of the simian equivalent of Justin Timberlake singing "Leaf in a Box."

I kinda wish I'd known about this leaf method years ago. Back in high school and college, there were many times when I sat idly in class or the library and spied an appealing female student for whom I'd have loved to tear a leaf or two or six. Such tactics probably couldn't have fared any worse than my usual approach (which back then typically included too many beers and ill-timed jokes.)

Be that as it may, I suppose it's good to know that we're not the only species on the planet that devises its own sex toys — or has to. I'm glad that there was an intelligent, possibly nerdy chimp who got laid primarily because he was literally inventive. Here's to you, Cheeta, I'll be your wingman any night.

Chapter 82.2: In Vino Veritas

I love finding inspiring stories about alcohol.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in favor of inebriates running (or driving) rampant across America or the world, wreaking havoc on unsuspecting (or perhaps also drunken) neighbors, or destroying lives and families. But I'm all in favor of appropriate use of social elixirs to smooth out the rough edges of life.

Apparently, I'm not the only one and this idea is as old as civilization. In the New York Times the other day, an item was published in one of their blogs by a teacher whose students asked about the abundance of drinking in Homer's The Odyssey. Of course, Greeks weren't the only folks enjoying the fruit of the vine back then. It was common to drink alcoholic beverages, as the Times piece notes.

But Homer and others of his era also demonstrated that alcohol should be used in moderation — let me refine that: alcohol should be enjoyed, but used in moderation. Okay, maybe I'm editorializing a little about what Homer meant.

But I love the way the writer concluded his piece:

I wasn’t quite satisfied, and the question continued to bother me until, days later, I found a passage in “The Odyssey” that succinctly captures the complexity of the Greek attitude towards alcohol. Odysseus is speaking to a sympathetic swineherd, and though he is in disguise, the words have the unmistakable ring of honesty:


[I]t is the wine that leads me on, the wild wine
that sets the wisest man to sing at the top of his lungs,
laugh like a fool – it drives the man to dancing...it even
tempts him to blurt out stories better never told.

After two decades away from home, there must have been so much to say, so many bottled-up tales of friends lost and battles won. Somebody get the poor guy another round.