Q: Why do commuter trains scheduled to arrive at a certain time sometimes arrive several minutes later?
A: A variety of reasons, most of which are beyond the control of the train's engineer or conductor. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Catch up on sleep.
Q: Why is it cold in early November when the sun is shining so brightly and the sky is blue?
A: It has to do with direct sunlight and the angle of the planet. The earth is actually closer to the sun during the winter -- at least in the Northern hemisphere. But the sun's rays strike a more glancing blow across the Northern hemisphere at that time. Seasons change. Talk to the moon.
Q: Why did Mets third baseman David Wright win the Gold Glove award?
A: Because it's a popularity contest, like most things in life. He works hard, plays hard, everyone likes him, and he deserves to be liked. In a few years when he has the inevitable bad year or one of his parents gets sick or, God forbid, dies, and he lashes out at the fanbase that doesn't seem to understand why he can't hit .315 and hit 30 homers every year, then he'll look back and question why he plays a kids game. Then it'll come back to him, and he'll rebound with an MVP-caliber season. Because he's a damn good ball player, that's why.
Q: Why do bad things happen to good people?
A: Because Einstein was wrong, and God does play with dice. In fact, the Almighty has a bit of a problem, but he refuses to go into a 12-step program because he doesn't believe in a higher power. Who are we to tell God he's wrong?
Q: Why is oatmeal bland?
A: It's a twist on the previous two questions. Good things happen to people, but they're not necessarily exciting. And working hard isn't always its own reward, sometimes you need a lower cholesterol count too. Think of oatmeal as your quest to win the Gold Glove award. Most players don't think of it that way, but then strikeouts are on the rise too. Go figure.
Q: Are there aliens?
A: Of course. They stream in over the border every day. I've met legal aliens, and they work hard and care about their families, and I'm generally happy to know them.
Q: No, I mean space aliens?
A: We've sent about two dozen people to another planet. Some did a fly-by, twelve walked there; they all returned. These days we keep our space aliens in near-earth orbit.
Q: Seriously, I mean beings from another planet?
A: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Q: Why won't you answer my questions?
A: I've answered everything you ask. You simply don't like all my answers. Next time, don't vote for me. The personal accolades are nice, but I'm just happy to help out the team.
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