Chapter 85.3: Monkeying Around

As noted in this recent bit of reportage in the New York Times, when Jane Goodall discovered chimpanzees making and using tools in order get food, humans were left having to rejustify their superiority: "Now we must redefine tool, redefine Man, or accept chimpanzees as human."

Well, obviously they're not human, but like many people I have known, they seem to have some pretty kinky ideas if left to their own devices. In this case, the device is a leaf — and it's not for hiding behind. Not at all.

Apparently, this leaf is sex toy nonpareil in the animal world. Horny male chimps use the leaf to make noise in order to draw a female chimp's attention to their erection. This apparently is chimpanzee for "subtlety." There's probably a YouChimp video of the simian equivalent of Justin Timberlake singing "Leaf in a Box."

I kinda wish I'd known about this leaf method years ago. Back in high school and college, there were many times when I sat idly in class or the library and spied an appealing female student for whom I'd have loved to tear a leaf or two or six. Such tactics probably couldn't have fared any worse than my usual approach (which back then typically included too many beers and ill-timed jokes.)

Be that as it may, I suppose it's good to know that we're not the only species on the planet that devises its own sex toys — or has to. I'm glad that there was an intelligent, possibly nerdy chimp who got laid primarily because he was literally inventive. Here's to you, Cheeta, I'll be your wingman any night.