Chapter 85.3: Monkeying Around

As noted in this recent bit of reportage in the New York Times, when Jane Goodall discovered chimpanzees making and using tools in order get food, humans were left having to rejustify their superiority: "Now we must redefine tool, redefine Man, or accept chimpanzees as human."

Well, obviously they're not human, but like many people I have known, they seem to have some pretty kinky ideas if left to their own devices. In this case, the device is a leaf — and it's not for hiding behind. Not at all.

Apparently, this leaf is sex toy nonpareil in the animal world. Horny male chimps use the leaf to make noise in order to draw a female chimp's attention to their erection. This apparently is chimpanzee for "subtlety." There's probably a YouChimp video of the simian equivalent of Justin Timberlake singing "Leaf in a Box."

I kinda wish I'd known about this leaf method years ago. Back in high school and college, there were many times when I sat idly in class or the library and spied an appealing female student for whom I'd have loved to tear a leaf or two or six. Such tactics probably couldn't have fared any worse than my usual approach (which back then typically included too many beers and ill-timed jokes.)

Be that as it may, I suppose it's good to know that we're not the only species on the planet that devises its own sex toys — or has to. I'm glad that there was an intelligent, possibly nerdy chimp who got laid primarily because he was literally inventive. Here's to you, Cheeta, I'll be your wingman any night.

Chapter 85.2: A Song in My Heart and Head (in Praise of Teachers)

I try not to write too much here about my kids, but lately their music has meandered through my brain a lot. Silly songs, educational songs, songs that should never be played to anyone over the age of three...

But as my girls graduated from the Baby Einstein videos to Sesame Street and Barney, I noticed something shocking: I knew some of these songs! Sure, there were standards like The People in Your Neighborhood and Rubber Ducky. But there was also one about lady bugs that I'd completely forgotten about.

I asked a co-worker what shows she remembered from her childhood. She was born to one of those families that didn't believe in television for many years, so she hadn't seen too much. But as she thought about it, she remembered seeing Barney. To this day, she said, she hums a song about cleaning up as she washes the dishes.

I've always had a thing for songs and song lyrics. I've entertained/pissed off people by singing the lyrics to a shortlived show from the late '70s called Hello Larry, which starred McLean Stevenson, after he left MASH. Long after I composed songs in my head as I walked to school as a kindergartner, I would find music offered me the first entree to a world of creativity.

It pains me to see the arts decimated in public education. I hate to hear about teachers losing their jobs or ridiculed by people who've never tried to teach that they get paid too much. Teaching children is perhaps the most important job in the world. Those that do it should be continually trained to do it better, and classrooms should be kept at relatively small sizes so that children receive the attention they need and deserve — which means that more teachers are necessary.

I know people will disagree with me. I've heard the arguments. Sometimes, those people make excellent points. But if it weren't for my parents and my teachers, I'd not have been able to succeed in the ways that I have.

Chapter 85.1: Initial Thoughts on the 2010 Baseball Season

As usual, my life has been a fast-paced, loony series of days that band together to call themselves weeks and months. They get larger and more unruly as I get older.

For example, not many years ago I'd have been incredibly excited about the beginning of baseball season. I'd watch spring training games on television, read up on the next Mickey Mantle or Willie Mays coming up through the ranks, and prepare for a fantasy baseball draft or two. These days, I grumble about how my fantasy draft got moved to the girls' bedtime and whine (to myself) about how I rarely get to see an inning of baseball, what with the Elmo and Barney DVDs that play almost nonstop on our TV these days.

I can't even prepare for my usual World Series predictions properly any more. I don't know who half the pitchers are in baseball these days, and without that, such forecasts are about as accurate as predicting the weather for August 22 while looking out on the darkened streets on an April evening.

So here goes — my abridged predictions for the 2010 baseball season.

Division leaders
NL East: Philadelphia Phillies.
I don't think my Mets will do any better than third place. Even that might be tough to achieve. The Phillies, Braves, and even the Marlins all appear to be more potent than my inconsistent favorite team.

NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals.
Strong pitching and weak competitors should make it look easy for the Redbirds.

NL West: Colorado Rockies.
Because the whole division sucks.

NL Wild Card. Atlanta Braves.

AL East: Yankees.
I hate them, but they're strong.

AL Central: Minnesota Twins.
They've kept Joe Mauer. If they can pitch well enough, they might be able to do some serious damage to other AL teams.

AL West: Los Angeles Angels.
I wanted to pick the Mariners, who've made some great acquisitions during the winter (and one terrible one by getting Milton Bradley). But even I have heard about the injuries that keep happening.

AL Wild Card: Boston Red Sox.

World Series: Phillies vs. Red Sox
The Red Sox will win in seven games in what will be a classic.

Ok, for all you non-baseball fans out there, I suspect you'll be able to keep following this blog because this could be the last baseball-related item I'll be able to write, seeing as how my Mets will embark on a seven-game losing streak by the beginning of May and I'll just lose heart.

Chapter 85: Thoughts During a Vacation Rain Storm

Earlier today, while measuring my ark cubit by cubit, I was thinking about spring. There are lots of aspects to the season. Baseball, as usual, is toward the top. Love also, though I don't know that spring really has cornered the market on that. I've enjoyed snuggling down on a cold winter's night, summer romances, and fall... No, love pretty much sucks in the fall.

Anyway, spring brings with it a bucket load of change. But like most change, you don't really feel it until after the change has occurred. A couple weeks ago, it still felt wintry enough, with snow and chill and stomping of feet. But the tell-tale signs of spring were there if you looked.

For example, the sun has been still visible when I get out of work. This practically never happens during the winter. But just last week, some friends and I walked in sunlight to a relatively nearby pub for our first-ever post-work, pre-season softball team pep rally (basically, an excuse to get together for a couple pints with people who we'll be spending time with over the next few spring and summer months).

And St. Patrick's Day is nearly upon us, which is another sure sign of spring. St. Patrick's Day is that special day when a bunch of people decide to insult everyone of Irish heritage by claiming that since they've had five pints of Guinness they're actually Irish, despite the vowels and collection of Ys and Zs at that end their names. No, that just means you're drunk. And that's fine; I don't hold that against anyone. Most of the time.

As someone of Irish descent — who learned how American I am by going to school in Ireland for a semester of college — I find spring and St. Patrick's Day to be kinda special. Like I said earlier, it's a time of transition. I used to be a summer person. But at this point in my life, I like a good mudslide, a mild rainstorm (not like this windy crap that's tormenting me now), and a nice week off to try to relax.

For what it's worth, a portion of my relaxation will take place on Tuesday, when a buddy of mine and I head over to the Diamond Bar in Brooklyn to enjoy a night of mayhem with Zane Lamprey (which must be a madeup name), author of Three Sheets: Drinking Made Easy. So if anyone in the neighborhood feels like enjoying a little spring break adult style, feel free to join me. I'll be the guy with the leather trench coat and all-season beard.

What does that have to do with change? Well, I don't usually go out now that I'm the father of a pair of beautiful ankle biters. Especially without the wife. So this is a sign that the world is in transition. More certain than the destruction of the planet in 2012, I will be enjoying a pint on Tuesday night. Maybe even two. Can spring be far behind?